Subject: Grail: The Great Brightness - Terrakian & Arda

<<Stardate: 47307.30- 12:07>>

<<Arda Kajes Quarters>>

Epic walked slowly toward Kaje's apartment, trying to reduce the

shuddering jolt of his heavy gait. Kaede was falling asleep, her cheek

on his shoulder, nuzzling his neck. Her little hands were pressed flat

on his chest. Epic held her as if she were precious. And she was.

Epic entered the code that allowed him access. The door opened

and he slipped inside. He saw Kaje sitting in a chair by the window.

She smiled sheepishly at him. Epic raised his eyebrows with a smile and

silently moved to Kaede's crib. He laid her gently down and covered her

with her favorite blanket. She was sound asleep.

Epic returned to the living room and sat opposite Kaje. His

expression mirrored her own in sympathy, then he brightened.

"She said `Momma' before, when I told her we were coming to see

you."

"She did?" He nodded. "I've been trying to get her to start

talking outloud for a while now. I guess she figures she gets a faster

response the other way."

"Kaje," Epic's voice softened. She knew where this was going to

go. "I don't know if I have a right to ask, but if it would help to

talk.... What happened before? I've never seen you like that." Then, he

considered the enitire morning. "But then, I'm sure you've never seen me

like that either."

Epic shook his head in regret at losing his cool, but he kept a

smile for Kaje's sake.

"No, I haven't." She sighed. How was she going to explain this

one. Granted, he was asking her if she wanted to talk rather than

telling she had to, but she felt she owed him an explaination for scaring

Kaede the way she had. Of course, he probably had done the same, but his

reason was right out in front. Hers was hidden inside.

"Where do I begin?" she asked. Epic didn't answer, knowing it to

be a rhetorical question. "I guess the Prime Directive debate stirred

something in all of us. The Prime Directive is one of the most debated

principles in Starfleet. And here we all are, like many before us, doing

just that. Debating it.

"Part of me, the part I've been trying to supress, blames the

Prime Directive in part for everything that's happened to me. I'm sure

you've seen the details. Aidoann said that SFI would encrypt the data in

my bio about my past with the Maquis, but they didn't. Part of me says

that the Prime Directive's interpretation was what prevented Starfleet

from getting out anyone who was on those worlds given to the Cardassians

in the treaty. It kind of took over, I guess."

"Took over?"

"It's been something I've been trying to avoid. I had been doing

so well." She wiped away a tear. "I haven't had a 'break down' in

several months. I go through phases depending on my situation. In the

labor camp with my mother, I was okay, but, when she was killed, that's

when they started. After we got out and Starfleet stepped in, I was okay

again. Then the 'Bajor-for-Bajorans' group, the Circle," she paused for

recognition, Epic nodded, "started up and began attacking any

non-Bajorans in the area. So I left. Once more, I was in one of my 'I

hate myself' episodes.

"I was fine on Telones III for several years. The break downs

had stopped for a while. When the Telones system was handed over to the

Cardassians, they came in the next day, not giving anyone a chance to get

out. I knew who had killed my mother and he had been on the planet that

day. I was scared, afraid that he'd recognize my name and come after me.

When he did, I managed to escape, but only after I found out that he was

my father. He knew that, when the occupation came to an end, he'd have

to fess up to the rape of my mother and, with no survivors that knew, it

would be better off for him. I still don't know his name."

By now, Arda was pacing the room. She was nervous, the thoughts

of this man sending her into a minor form of paranoia. She knew he

wasn't there, but he still scared her.

"But, I got out. A group of Maquis took me in before the

Federation did. So, I stayed with them. By now, the break downs had

started again. I would go into fits of despair and depression, locking

myself away for days. Then, I found out that Xzarre," she spoke the name

with venom, "was an ex-Circle member. That's when the beatings started."

Epic stood and was at her side in mere seconds. She was

trembling. He took her back to the couch, fearing another "break down"

from her. Yet, she couldn't stop remembering, she couldn't stop telling

him.

"Once Luc and I escaped and the Nova found us, the break downs

had dropped in number. I was now a bitter person, afraid to let anyone

get close to me. Luc tried. He wanted to at least be a friend. I

didn't let him. I pushed him back. He went back to SFI for a new

mission once we docked at Lerins. I never thought I would never see him

again, but I should have realized that spooks always disappear. Now, I'm

here."

Epic held her tight. She was still trembling, but had calmed

slightly. She forced herself to keep going, to keep explaining.

"I hate myself when these things happen, then I hate myself for

hating myself. It gets to a point where I can't get out. Those have

only happened a few times. Sometimes, a friend would help me out or I

would manage to stop myself from going further. It was hardest in the

Maquis. No one there helped me, they were all afraid that Xzarre would

do the same to them that he did to me.

"I'm sorry it happened again. I'm sorry you had to feel that,

I'm sorry Kaede had to feel that."

Epic stroked her hair. He whispered to her soothingly. "You

need never apologise to me for your feelings, Kaje. And Kaede loves you.

Because of the bond you share... the bond WE share, we will always know

or sense the most intimate feelings of one another. And don't forget,

for all the fear and pain we share, there will be many more expressions

of love and joy. This, too, she will feel from us."

He took her face in his hands gently and wiped away a tear with

his finger. "Remember what we agreed upon? Who we were, however it may

have made us who we are today, is NOT who we are today. Today you are a

part of something special and unique and I will never let you forget how

important that is. And Kaede will never let you forget how important you

ARE."

He embraced her again, holding her warmly until he sensed that

she was past her crisis. "Now I want you to sleep for a while. Come

tomorrow, we will enter the Great Brightness. We will all need to be at

the top of our game. It will be a rough journey.

"And when we emerge on the other side, and we must engage the

Kerestians, I will want you to shuttle our `ambassadors' to the planet.

I don't want to introduce a technological concept to them that they do

not yet possess.

"Do you think you can sleep now?" She was calm. She gave a

silent nod and he gently carried her to her bed. Epic laid her down and

kissed her cheek. It was a soft and tender offering. Then, with a

shrewd smile, he winked at