Subject: Grail:"The Great Brightness"-'Paradoxes'
'Paradoxes'
by: LtCmdr Janice Hargen
-------
Janice headed for her quarters, as if all of hell were on her tail. The
doors closing behind her, she leaned against the wall heavily, as if
trying to draw the strength out of them into herself. "Computer, lock
door."
[Acknowledged]
With a sigh, she fell onto her bed. It had been a long, hard couple of
hours. She allowed her mind to wander, to let herself think of anything
but the two almost identical conversations she had just had with those two
women. Staring at the room before her, she wished, for the first time,
that it had more of a homely feel to it, so it could be somewhere she
could escape to rather than just a place she slept. As it was now, a few
minutes work would clean the room out for a new occupant - it was the way
she had always kept her quarters... except at her home - in Alaska.
*Well, I had better start looking at this as my home, because it will be
for as long as this mission goes.* Which, for her at least, was a very
long time.
She sat up, determination in her expression, finally glad to be doing
something other than thinking. *I'm going to make this a room, not a
prison.* With a jump, she realized that she had made it out to be just
that - without even thinking about it. Her eyes quickly scanned the room,
looking for places to put things that would personalize the room a bit
more.
Her gaze alighted on the single silver rose that Epic had given her over
dinner that night so long ago. It was the only personal thing in the
room. She stood and walked over to it, fingering it lightly. It was
beautiful, and the way it reflected the light in the room made it look
like it was glowing. She smiled slightly at the memory. It had been a
pleasant evening...
Her hand tightened and she dropped the rose back on the table before she
damaged it. She had to keep catching herself. She could change the
appearance of her room, but she couldn't change what was inside. She
couldn't change herself. Or the way she felt.
It was a paradox in terms. She couldn't change the way she felt about
what she was experiencing... or how she felt about Epic. It was driving
her crazy.
*This can't be happening to me. Not now. Not when I have to spend the
rest of my life with these people... or the rest of their lives. Not when
there is no chance of a transfer. It can't be right. It's not fair.
They all think... God, what they think. And I won't admit that they are
right. They can't be. They aren't - it's impossible!* Janice paced back
and forth, tensing up more and more. Emotions were flying wild within
her, and she couldn't control them anymore. She felt like she was going
to erupt, like a volcano. With a sudden, swift movement, she broke. She
grabbed the chair nearest her and lifted it with ease. It went hurtling
against the opposite wall in her quarters. With barely an effort, the
table overturned and joined the chair on the other side of the room.
Tears streamed down her face, without her even realizing they were there.
Mentally exhausted, she fell to her knees, viewing the destruction she
caused. *I can't do it to him, too...* she thought with a sob. All she
could see were visions of Mike, happily cooking before they left; the
moment she saw him lying there beneath the tree they crashed into; in the
hospital for so long... The sobs became more pronounced.
Epic's words suddenly reverberated through her head, words from a time
that seemed so long ago. "I am probably the one person in the whole
galaxy with whom you can be... truly... yourself. You don't ever have to
pretend around me. I hope you can believe that. And I hope that you will
seek me out if YOU ever need to talk."
Janice laughed to herself, a bitter, hollow laugh. At the moment, he
would probably be the last person she would talk to... but she wouldn't
talk to anyone else about this. Yet another paradox.
She laid her head in her hands and just cried. She didn't know for how
long, or when she'd stop... but she knew that she had to relieve the
pressure that she had been holding in for so long. She knew they had to
be wrong - there was no possibility they were right. She couldn't love
Epic. It was impossible. She couldn't love.