Subject: Grail:"The Great Brightness"-'Paradoxes'

'Paradoxes'

by: LtCmdr Janice Hargen

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Janice headed for her quarters, as if all of hell were on her tail. The

doors closing behind her, she leaned against the wall heavily, as if

trying to draw the strength out of them into herself. "Computer, lock

door."

[Acknowledged]

With a sigh, she fell onto her bed. It had been a long, hard couple of

hours. She allowed her mind to wander, to let herself think of anything

but the two almost identical conversations she had just had with those two

women. Staring at the room before her, she wished, for the first time,

that it had more of a homely feel to it, so it could be somewhere she

could escape to rather than just a place she slept. As it was now, a few

minutes work would clean the room out for a new occupant - it was the way

she had always kept her quarters... except at her home - in Alaska.

*Well, I had better start looking at this as my home, because it will be

for as long as this mission goes.* Which, for her at least, was a very

long time.

She sat up, determination in her expression, finally glad to be doing

something other than thinking. *I'm going to make this a room, not a

prison.* With a jump, she realized that she had made it out to be just

that - without even thinking about it. Her eyes quickly scanned the room,

looking for places to put things that would personalize the room a bit

more.

Her gaze alighted on the single silver rose that Epic had given her over

dinner that night so long ago. It was the only personal thing in the

room. She stood and walked over to it, fingering it lightly. It was

beautiful, and the way it reflected the light in the room made it look

like it was glowing. She smiled slightly at the memory. It had been a

pleasant evening...

Her hand tightened and she dropped the rose back on the table before she

damaged it. She had to keep catching herself. She could change the

appearance of her room, but she couldn't change what was inside. She

couldn't change herself. Or the way she felt.

It was a paradox in terms. She couldn't change the way she felt about

what she was experiencing... or how she felt about Epic. It was driving

her crazy.

*This can't be happening to me. Not now. Not when I have to spend the

rest of my life with these people... or the rest of their lives. Not when

there is no chance of a transfer. It can't be right. It's not fair.

They all think... God, what they think. And I won't admit that they are

right. They can't be. They aren't - it's impossible!* Janice paced back

and forth, tensing up more and more. Emotions were flying wild within

her, and she couldn't control them anymore. She felt like she was going

to erupt, like a volcano. With a sudden, swift movement, she broke. She

grabbed the chair nearest her and lifted it with ease. It went hurtling

against the opposite wall in her quarters. With barely an effort, the

table overturned and joined the chair on the other side of the room.

Tears streamed down her face, without her even realizing they were there.

Mentally exhausted, she fell to her knees, viewing the destruction she

caused. *I can't do it to him, too...* she thought with a sob. All she

could see were visions of Mike, happily cooking before they left; the

moment she saw him lying there beneath the tree they crashed into; in the

hospital for so long... The sobs became more pronounced.

Epic's words suddenly reverberated through her head, words from a time

that seemed so long ago. "I am probably the one person in the whole

galaxy with whom you can be... truly... yourself. You don't ever have to

pretend around me. I hope you can believe that. And I hope that you will

seek me out if YOU ever need to talk."

Janice laughed to herself, a bitter, hollow laugh. At the moment, he

would probably be the last person she would talk to... but she wouldn't

talk to anyone else about this. Yet another paradox.

She laid her head in her hands and just cried. She didn't know for how

long, or when she'd stop... but she knew that she had to relieve the

pressure that she had been holding in for so long. She knew they had to

be wrong - there was no possibility they were right. She couldn't love

Epic. It was impossible. She couldn't love.