Subject: Grail: "Last Look Back"-`The Casualties'

<<Stardate: 47307.17- 10:20>>

<<Deck 12- turbolift>>

Captain Epic Terrakian rode the turbolift to Deck 12 considering

what had just transpired. He did not want to hurt Hillary Singh, but it

was unavoidable that he had. Her expectations, her desires, were hers

alone. Epic could not imagine how he had become so profoundly important

to her, but he did not share her need.

It would have been easy to allow himself to take her need as his

own. Her rampant desire was a tangible thing in his mind and he could

have allowed it to fill his heart and be his own. As he stood there

staring at the blank doors, he wondered why he hadn't.

She wanted him. Desperately. Why? He didn't know and could only

hazard a guess. He surmised that for her, he was a dark ideal that she

had always desired but never fulfilled. He sensed that she would have

satisfied herself with him, knowing that he was a ghost she would never

again need to face.

But, then, he could have rationalized the same thing. He could have

taken her passion and consumed it selfishly, knowing that his emotional

commitment to her would have ended as soon as the act was completed.

Certainly, she did not love him. But she did need him. On a level he was

simply too unfamiliar with her to understand. She had deep-rooted

regrets, and somehow, he was a means to put to rest those regrets.

Again, why hadn't he?

It wasn't any aesthetic judgement. In fact, Epic was almost

incapable of making any such judgements. Physical attraction had never

been a motivating influence for him. He wasn't physical. He was

emotional. Many were the women he enjoyed who had received unfavorable

evaluations from his friends and family.

So, again, why hadn't he?

`The baby.', Magda spoke to him from the depths of his mind. `She

would have considered it a betrayal.'

"Turbolift, halt.", Epic commanded. `What?!' The question was

rhetorical. Even though he would never have considered it on his own,

the truth of it hit him in the heart like a thunderbolt.

But Magda persisted. `That little baby girl that shares your soul

knows that you are her `Dada'.' Another impact of guilt pounded Epics

heart. `And she knows that Kaje is her `Mama'. If you had laid down next

to that woman, it would have been an emotional betrayal.'

Epic simply stood there. He was frozen.

`Of course, you may not have felt that way [though I suspect you

suspect you might have], and Kaje might not have felt that way, but

Kaede would have. Right or wrong, that little girl would have been

crushed that her `Dada' had forsaken her `Mama'.'

Epic felt the truth of it heating his heart like fire.

`And I think you knew that, brother.', Magda spoke softly. `For

years you lived your life completely without conscience. I am afraid

that time is over, Epic. You have a conscience, now. And her name is

Kaede.

After the shock of revelation faded, Epic squared his shoulders. In

the back of his mind, he knew Kaede was there. When Arda Kaje had been

ordered off the ship, the girls emotions screamed abandonment. And, for

comfort, she had found the mind of Epic. And Epic had been able to sooth

her, even caught in the grip of battle as he had been.

`No, Epic.', Magda corrected him. `You were howling in the revelry

of battle. It was I who soothed her with `the Song'. She is unable to

distinguish us, as we are one. For her, it was you. But, between us, we

both know who you have to thank.'

Epic smiled at her playful teasing. `Thank you, sister.'

"Turbolift, resume."

`Of course, brother.'

Epic stepped off the turbolift and was immediately confronted with

panic. But, it was not his own. Francois DeMontigny almost knocked him

back, unaware that the opening lift held a passenger.

"Lieutenant.", Epic snapped to bring the man to a halt. "What is

the matter?"

Francois made a great effort to swallow his guilt and face his

Captain. "Sir. Not a thing, sir.", he lied.

Epic looked into the mans eyes and felt the guilt, but not the

reason.

"I trust you will make a full recovery after our battle.", Epic

plyed. Francois guilt pulsed in reaction. "And the others?", Epic probed

further, striking the heart of Francois' panic as his guilt flared. Epic

could see it in his eyes.

Francois could not seem to speak.

"I came to see how you all were doing.", Epic said, steering

Francois around with gentle pressure on the lieutenants shoulder. "Join

me."

His shoulders sagging in resignation, Francois allowed himself to

be compelled.

They entered the Sickbay together. Dr. Miranda St. Claire was

administering to a deep tissue wound on the leg of Kaitlyn Brennan. She

looked up at the two mens approach.

"Doctor.", Epic addressed her. "How are my people?"

She continued to work on Kaitlyn, but spoke distractedly. "Major

Brinn is with Dr. Raimus in surgery. No prognosis, though her injuries

are not, at this time, considered life threatening. En. Milner has been

stabilized, but will require a great deal of regeneration therapy to

heal her severe burns. She will not be fit to leave Sickbay for at least

a week. Lieutenant Brennan should be fit for duty as soon as today. When

she is revived, I will allow her to make her own judgements."

Epic sensed that there was more. And that it was not good. "Lt.

Parker.", she started. Epic felt Francois guilt flare like a toothache.

"He has suffered an intrusive head trauma. There is considerable tissue

damage. Autonomic functions are unaffected, but higher brain functions

are impaired. He is in a deep coma. I recommend cryo-stasis until such

time as we can operate. If ever.", she added with emphasis. Her

expectations were not high. Francois personal panic began to rise.

Epic nodded to the doctor and steered Francois away. "I am sorry,

Francois.", Epic finally said.

"Sir?", Francois shook away his pain in confusion.

"I am sorry.", Epic repeated. "I suppose that I am going to have to

learn to reconcile the guilt that will come along with sending the

people on this ship into potentially lethal situations. But, it is

something we all must face."

Francois said nothing, but listened.

"Every decision I make, every action I commit to, will have

repercussions beyond my self. It is difficult to see them lying there

and not feel guilty for putting them there.

"Eventually, all of us are going to commit actions that will

compromise others. But, I guess, that is the risk of challenging the

cosmos. I suppose that if we wanted to play it safe, if we wanted to be

absolved of responsibility to others, we would have stayed in our

parents home.

"But, no. We are here to challenge the Galaxy. And I am going to

have to accept the fact that not all of us will survive it. I just hope

the guilt of the decisions I make will not impair my ability to continue

to make the hard choices."

Epic and Francois looked at one another for a long while

thereafter.