<<Holodeck 1>>

Epic Terrakian stood rigid and ramrod straight, his violin tucked comfortably under his chin, the fine bow poised unmoving, only inches from the strings. The hand that gripped the instruments bridge was quivering with white-knuckled exertion. If it had been a less sturdy material, he would have crushed it to powder. He was on the verge of playing, but his mind was locked in a struggle.

And, inside his mind, he did not struggle with himself. There were others.

"She hasn't left yet, Epic.", Magda, his sister was almost pleading. "Go to her. Beg her to stay. Show your pain to her. Show your tears. She may hate you, but she loves you, too."

"That would only serve to induce further pain." R'Laurent the Vulcan, the part that R'Laurent had sacrificed to Epics shattered mind, came crisply into view in his minds eye. He regarded the apparition of R'Laurent with a sneer, but said nothing.

Magda sneered also, thrusting her arms at her side, and turning away. Her peasants skirts flared dramatically as she turned, but she still spoke. "I would rather feel pain than nothing."

"That is not logical.", the Vulcan replied evenly. "When the mind is distracted by emotional pain, it loses the largest part of its rationale. Epic is doing the right thing. He should repress his emotional urges and channel it productively. Like his music."

Magda whirled back and stood on her toes to thrust her nose to the nose of her Vulcan `Soul-sister'. "Repress?! He is not a Vulcan. He is Betazoid. He IS emotion."

The Vulcan remained unaffected. "No. He has never been the personification of emotion. If he was, he would never have need to gluttonously feed from the responses of others."

Magda's anger and hate flared in her eyes, but she said nothing. She simply held the Vulcan in an impassioned glare.

But, Epics bow arm sagged as he considered the Vulcans words. She was right. He had never been capable of genuine emotion. He had always relied on others, to feel anything. It had been that way since Magda died, twenty years ago. And he looked at her now, and knew that he had died with her. When he had absorbed her soul, he had somehow lost his

own. He could now absorb the emotional energy of others, but could generate none of his own. He realized the truth of it.

He loved Magda, because Magda loved him. He loved his parents for the same reasons. He loved R'Laurent, because she loved him, but now that she was gone, now that she no longer loved him.....

His numb fingers dropped the violin and bow as his arms fell to his sides as realization robbed him of his strength. Now that R'Laurent no longer loved him, he felt.... He searched himself for a long while. He felt.... Nothing. Nothing. The love he had felt for her, she had taken with her.

"But, I loved her.", he said to the feminine apparitions in his mind. Magda rushed into her brothers arms and cried. So, he cried, too. But, as he looked over her shoulder, to the silent specter of the Vulcan, he knew why he cried. Because Magda did. As her pain quieted, his disappeared. The Vulcan nodded in understanding.

"You are a Vampire, Epic Terrakian...."

"Shut up!!!", Magda spun away from Epic, toward the Vulcan R'Laurent. "Shut up!!"

And Epic felt hurt by the Vulcans words, because Magda was hurt by them. But, he also felt guilt, but not his own. The guilt belonged to Magda, who blamed herself for his emptiness, because of an accident that killed her twenty years ago.

"You are a Vampire, Epic Terrakian.", R'Laurent the Vulcan started again. "But, do not condemn yourself for your fate. I will even admit a small amount of admiration for your `condition'."

Epics expression was impassive, but there was some question in his eyes. The Vulcan explained herself.

"You have the unique ability to genuinely respond to others as they respond to you."

He considered it a moment, but took no comfort in it. Because there was none offered in it.

"Unfortunately...", the Vulcan continued. "You are cursed to hate yourself."

"He doesn't hate himself! Why do you keep saying these awful things?!?", Magda was almost screaming. But, she was quieted by Epics cold hand on her shoulder. He nodded for the Vulcan to carry her point to its conclusion.

"You speak true, Magda. He does not hate himself. Not actually. But rather, because of his nature, he reflects in himself the fear felt from others."

"No one fears him.", Magda sagged, her voice low. There was no more conviction in her argument. She was seeing the truth now, too.

"Yes, they do.", the Vulcan replied. "Perhaps not on any conscious level, but they do. As the animal in all of us fears the strange or different. Others know, on an instinctual level, that he is different.

Cold."

"You're a fine one to be calling anyone `cold'", Magda sighed in disgust and defeat.

"And because of that, they fear him. And fear quickly becomes hate. And so, they hate him, too. And so, he hates himself."

"But, R'Laurent loved him.", Magda almost whined. "I could feel it."

"R'Laurent is a unique individual. She loved her fear. She loved conflict, within herself, and without. She could live with her own fear and hate. She could not live with his. She did the right thing. For them both."

"So...", Magda succumbed to her own guilty feelings. "..He will never know love again."

The statement should have bothered Epic, but it didn't.

"He will know love again. There are many women who are compelled by dark souls like the one possessed by your brother.

"But, he will never love himself."

The three of them stood in the cold vacuum of Epics mind and stared into their own thoughts. And Epic felt nothing.

But, then, he was suddenly warmed by the concern of another. He turned to the opening turbolift doors.

Arda Kaje entered tentatively. She looked around at the gritted room and then to Epic. "I.. I felt that something was ...wrong.", she finally said.

"Are you all right?"

Epic shut the apparitions of his mind away and savored the sympathy he felt coming from Arda. Suddenly, he didn't feel so sorry for himself. And that was good.

"I am fine now, Arda. Now that you're here."

He opened his arms to her and moved toward her. She accepted his embrace with some confusion. But, she returned the embrace.

Epic felt the warmth of the woman and it warmed him. He felt her concern and it provoked in him concern for himself. He was able, in her presence, to forgive himself.

But, he knew, as he'd always known, that when she left, he would be cold again. But, that was all right. He did not fear himself. And he did not hate himself. He was a Vampire. But, he was finally learning how to live with it.

`Goodbye R'Laurent', he said to the woman who was already gone, as the last of the heat he had taken from her vanished.